I Believe
by kitkat411
Summary: L reflects about life, Kira, Yagami Light, and the Death Note. Spoilers for Episode 25, Chapter 58, and L's real name. Somewhat of a songfic, but I haven't posted the lyrics. OneShot.


I Believe

By: KitKat411

**Author's Notes: Meh. I'm not even going to post a very long Author's Note here. This just came to me when my iPod shuffled to Linkin Park's "In the End." I'll post the song with the lyrics in the next "chapter," but it's still a one-shot.**

**This also has HEAVY spoilers for Episode 25 and Chapter 58. And for L's real name.**

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I don't believe in God. I never have. I don't believe an omnipotent deity could let the Earth fall into such shambles. I don't believe that there is someone up there who could let terror run the Earth, who could let Wammy's House-my school, my orphanage-be perpetually full. I refuse to believe that there is someone who would let an orphanage always be filled with screaming children, with starving children…

…With dying children.

I believe in science. I believe in finding the problem through logic. I believe that, with logic and a sound head, anything is possible. Needless deaths can be avoided, murderers can be incarcerated, and a child can find a home…

Yes, I believe that logic is the answer.

I believe that sugar helps to stimulate the brain. I believe that, if you use your head, you will never get fat.

I believe that sitting the way I do is crucial to my survival. I believe that, if I do not sit this way, my reasoning ability drops by forty percent.

But most of all, I think, I believe in Justice. I believe that, eventually, everyone will get "what is coming to them." I believe in searching for criminals, hunting them down, making sure that they do, in fact, get "what is coming to them."

Yes, I only take the most interesting of cases. But these cases interest me, not for the money, nor the pride, but for the justice that follows them. When I successfully hunt down a mad criminal, or a serial rapist, or a child killer, only then do I feel justice. Only then can I appreciate fully what I do. I try to make the world a better place.

I believe that I am carrying the flame of justice throughout the world, and, without me, the flame would blow out by the cold wind of hatred.

I also believed in you. When I saw you for the first time, I had already known of you. A straight-A student, popular, and handsome? You seemed to be non-existent, a delusion, someone's dream figure. The epitome of a human being.

But no, Light Yagami, you exist. You breathe, and speak, and you live. Most are impressed by your grades, or your hair, or your ever-polite attitude. These are admirable traits, yes, and traits no one would ever associate with me. My black hair, the onyx circles under my eyes, every little idiosyncrasy I partake in…No, no one could ever call me "handsome" or "popular."

You spend your life in the real world, and I spend mine in the reality I have created for myself. You draw people into you like a hunter draws fish. I shun them away, preferring to be alone.

But remember, Light Yagami, the hunter always kills the fish.

But I suppose we are opposites in many ways. Our hair, our styles…our outward appearances all suggest that we should have nothing to do with each other.

However, if you look beneath the appearances, if you raise the curtain that separates the apparent from the unknown, you will see that we are very much alike. We are both searching for Justice. We both want to find the "absolute truth," and we both believe in our own definitions of that truth. It's funny, almost. We look at the same word-Justice-and see two different definitions, two different destinations.

And yet, Light Yagami, if you look carefully, the similarities between us are startling. We are both considered "brilliant." We scored the same grade on our entrance exams: One hundred percent.

Perfect. Our scores were perfect. Mirror opposites, but the same, perfect scores.

We are both childish, and we both refuse to lose. We both realize that this is a battle, a battle between "good" and "evil." We both think that we are on the "good" team, and that the other is "pure evil."

But is life ever that simple, Light? Can life ever really be so black-and-white? Why do we believe this? Why are we so stubborn in our own assumptions? Why do we look at the same word and see two different things?

So maybe we are not so similar, after all.

And yet, there is no denying your brilliance. Your insights into the Kira case were well-informed and well thought-out. Even if you did not mean them, even if they were simply clues to throw us off…they were filled with intelligence. You realized the pattern on the walls, the "L, did you know Shinigami only eat apples?"

No, I didn't know that. I don't believe in the supernatural.

But you knew. And you believed.

And so I took you on as a permanent member of the investigation. Why would I do this, when I suspected you to be Kira? I don't know. I needed your brilliance, I suppose. I needed someone who could see _past_ the logic, the science, and the carefully well-designed plans of Kira.

You could probably see through this plan, and you probably tried to foil it. You succeeded, also, in your plan. We never caught you. You cleaned your tracks well, Light Yagami. So clean that not even I could see through them. You were untraceable.

But I tried, Light Yagami. I knew you were Kira, ever since I first heard of you. You seemed too perfect, and so you were a suspect. You were so innocent I assumed you guilty. I had my suspicions of you, even if they only began at five percent.

And so I went with these suspicions. I followed you every day. I had you traced. I installed sixty-four cameras in your room, just to see if you did anything out of the ordinary.

But you didn't. You didn't even speak aloud to yourself, which was strange. Even I reason with myself aloud.

But you were clean of any suspicious actions and criminals kept dying. You acted like a normal child, and yet, the cold-blooded Kira was still out there. Everyone assumed you were innocent, Light! "He has done nothing wrong!" They told me. "He must be innocent!" "Take the cameras out, L, he did nothing that would suspect him as Kira."

They were telling me that I was wrong. That you were innocent. That we should look somewhere else, retrace our steps. That Light Yagami was a good guess, but you can't win them all, eh, L?

But I knew better. Just as you had been when I first met you, I knew you were suspiciously innocent. I knew you were laughing at me, at your father, at anyone who tried to "stand in the way of Kira." I knew this, and the proof backed up my reasoning.

Do you remember Ray Pembar, Light Yagami? He wasn't a murderer, or a rapist, or a burglar. He never even received a speeding ticket. His only crime was doing his job, and doing it well enough to frighten you. Like a frightened child playing hide-and-seek, you thought your little game was over.

Did you feel any guilt after killing him, Light? Any remorse? What about his fiancée? I worked with her on a case. You must know that by now, though. She was a highly intelligent woman, Light Yagami. She had a fine head on her shoulders. She was destined for things greater than this, Light.

But no, she was a threat to you. And so she was dead. Poof. Gone. Just like that.

You seem so different now, Light Yagami. So different I can barely recognize you. Ever since that helicopter ride…ever since I unhooked you from those handcuffs…ever since we found the Death Note.

Was that a part of your master plan? Was everything you've ever said, everything you've ever done, every lie you ever told a part of some plan? And what about Matsuda, or Misa, or your father, Light Yagami? What are they to you? Pawns in your chess game?

What am I? I am the three greatest detectives in the world to everyone else, you see. I am "L," infallible, brilliant, slightly psychotic L.

But what am I to you? A simple pawn, to be maneuvered as you wish? I once called you my friend, you must remember that, at least. "Light Yagami is my first friend." You told me you were my friend also.

Do you treat all your friends like this? Or was that just one more step on your ladder to justice?

_DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG._

What? There are bells? Why can I hear bells? This building was designed so that I can hear nothing from the outside. So why are there bells?

I climb the stairs and push open the door to the roof. It's pouring out, but I don't notice. I'm listening to the bells. There aren't bells very often in Japan, at least none that I have ever heard before. In fact, the last time I heard bells was when…

"_But Mommy, where am I going?"_

"_Hush, Lawliet, you're going to a better place. These people will take care of you. I can't do this anymore, Lawliet. I can't be your mother anymore…"_

"_But Mommy, why?"_

"_Just shut up!"_

_DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG._

"_Ah, yes, Lawliet, this is the place. 'Wammy's House.'"_

"_Mommy? What's a 'Wammy'? And why are there bells?"_

"_Wammy is the name of the person who founded this place, Lawliet. And bells…? Well, every time a bell rings it means that an angel has gone up to God."_

"_Oh."_

I learned what bells were later, of course, and why they existed. I forgot this memory, burying it deep down inside of me where I wouldn't have to deal with it. I also buried away my faith in God and the love I had possessed for my mother.

But I never forgot what she told me. _"Every time a bell rings it means that an angel has gone up to God." _

I hear the bells now, tolling louder than ever. Does this mean that there are lots of angels going to God now, Mommy? Ray Penbar, Naomi Misora, the twelve FBI agents…? Innocent angels. Victims of Kira's pride. They were sacrifical lambs, stepping stones on Kira's way to power.

Who is next, Light Yagami? Who will fall next? Who is your next innocent vicitim? Who is the next angel, the next sacrifical lamb? Who will the bells toll for tomorrow, Kira?

L Lawliet? Your friend, Light Yagami? Could you be that ruthless?

I can see you, Light Yagami. You stand there, at the entrance to the rooftop. You are looking around, confused. Can't you hear the bells, Kira? Can't you hear the angels?

Or can a murderer not hear the cries of those he kills?

You want me to come over there, don't you, Light Yagami? You want me to come over there to stand beside you? No. I refuse to play another part in your master game.

I tried so hard, Light Yagami. I have done everything I can, and yet, it isn't enough. It never was enough. I know my fate, Light Yagami. We both knew this would come to be, didn't we? We both knew that one survives while the other dies.

Is it now my turn, Light Yagami? Am I next on your list? Will you be writing my name in the Death Note tonight?

Will I live to hear the bells tomorrow?

Or will the bells be ringing for me?


End file.
